And apparently, that's a part of growing up, and I missed that memo.
My heart is just deeply heavy missing people. My heart has been hammered thin to stretch to the corners of the earth and go with them.
Knowing that I'm growing up, changing, metamorphosing .. It's so easy to dwell in a guilt: guilt that it's my fault, guilt that I did something wrong in the relationship, guilt for not talking as much as I could, guilt for talking too much, guilt for changing, guilt for being a different person, guilt for memories.
It is terrifying to look in a mirror and see someone that you never thought would be there. I feel covered in the scars of my memories- the losses, the fights, the tears, the brokenness, the abandonment. And coupled with this sight is my frustration at the people that have induced this in an anti-guilt sort of way. Anger for the people that have left me scarred. Anger that I am still bruised. Anger, bathing in the guilt of my memories, wanting a way out.
That's the worst blow. I sometimes feel like I'm just watching everyone live their lives and take off, while I'm stuck on the pavement, waving at the leaving train that I forgot to get on. And nothing can be altered, or hidden, or changed. And I'm left alone. Coping, by trying to learn how to fly, and smashing my head on the concrete instead.
Every breath is my broken hallelujah. I'm looking for any sign of life. I'm trying to have faith to grow wings to learn to fly. To transcend the ugliness, live in light, fly into color, beauty, and joy. I'm trying to shed my cocoon of guilty memories, let my face warm in the light of God's morning, and experience freedom.
I don't know how to ever be free of the things that have made me the way I am. I don't know if there is a way.
I just believe that God can change me. I believe that God IS changing me.
I believe that God's going to route me a new train. And the car filled with my guilt and memories will tumble into the plains of no where. And maybe my train can catch up with the other train, and we can join cars, and celebrate being together again. In the same place, at the same time. Maybe we can all learn to fly.
